She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
