I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
