she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
