I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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