Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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