Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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