butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Randomize
