Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
