I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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