I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
