This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
