You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
