seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
