New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
