Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
