She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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