College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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