Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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