I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
