Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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