Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
