Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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