Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
