This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
