I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
