and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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