i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
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