You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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