FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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