he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
