Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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