I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
