He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
