At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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