its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I can tuck mytits in my pants
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
