Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
