new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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