dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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