i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
