shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Someone came in the potted fern
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
