I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
