Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Dear god my vagina.
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