called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Randomize
