Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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