woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
