I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Randomize
