Just fell off a train. Bad.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
