New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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