Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
