I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
