in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
