She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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