It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Randomize
